Merry Christmas!

We are still here, and still hoping to adopt!  But Life gets busy at times, and suddenly it has been two months since you have posted.  Whoops!

We love the holiday season- Christmas songs on the radio, baking, finding the perfect gift, time with family, etc.  It really is the most wonderful time of the year.

So what have we been up to this holiday season?

One thing that has become a tradition for us:  Adopting a child from Salvation Army's Angel Tree program.  I highly recommend it!  Kids that are less fortunate sign up, parents include clothing sizes and/or toys the child would like, and you can spend an amount you feel appropriate to get them nice gifts.  We are so looking forward to being able to buy clothes and toys for our own child(ren) someday, so this has been good practice!

The loot

We chose a little one year old boy, and I had to put stuff back because I was spending too much.  But so fun shopping for a little boy!  I can't wait to be the proud mama, out shopping or making gifts for her kids.  Some day soon!

Salvation Army Christmas Center

We happened to be taking our donation to the Christmas Center on the same day as the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary.  On a day when things looked a lot darker than ever, it was amazing to see a full warehouse (former Walmart) filled with toys donated by the community.  This picture is only half of the space, there were rows and rows of bikes and other goodies in the other half.  There is still good in the world, and we need to focus on that!

******

Our happy tree

For the holidays, we were able to head back up to NY to see all of our family and friends, which was awesome!  We even got to see snow while we were there.  That was on the wishlist for sure.  We got to visit with Matt's family and mine, extended family, friends, had a fun Cousin's Night Out, and more. 

Newest member of the family!

We got to meet the first great-grandchild in my dad's family, and he was as cute as a button.  In a house filled with people, he slept comfortably, even as he was passed from aunt to uncle to cousin to grandma, etc.  Our families love kids, especially babies!

Toy time

Most of the ladies in my mom's side of the fam

Grandma and Grandpa P enjoying the moment

Excited to see snow, just wish it was not on the drive home!

It was a great visit, and went by too fast as usual.  Time to start planning the next visit!

As for the adoption, we have still been keeping our ears open to any situations that may come up.  We've had some good suggestions recently to contact schools or pediatrician offices, so I may send a letter out to area offices soon.  I also learned that the department of health runs teen health centers throughout the area, which also could be a good resource.  Keep praying for us!

Merry Christmas!

Happenings

Hi there,

I can't believe how slow I am to post again sometimes!  It has been quiet on the adoption front, as we continue to try to find the perfect adoption situation.  Please continue to keep us in mind, and to share our story with others! :)

So what has been going on in our lives?

This summer we...

Saw Coldplay in concert-  Amazing amazing amazing show!

Crowd shot, everyone was given neon sticks that went to the music

Celebrated our sixth anniversary!

Nice glass of wine before a DELISH dinner!

Celebrated Matt's 29th birthday!

He loves some lobstah!

We also recently checked out another Panthers home game.  Check out the awesome photobomb by the couple sitting behind us:

And with Halloween coming up tomorrow, we are ready to welcome some Trick or Treaters.  Can't wait to take our kids out someday :)  My mom is a decorating freak when it comes to the holidays, and it is safe to say I inherited that gene!

Homemade, thank you very much!
 

 We also have been doing some projects at the house.  The biggest one?  Getting rid of a 6 person hot tub that was fun, but probably not kid-friendly.  It hadn't been used much in the past year, due to a small leak.  We tried to give it away on Craigslist and SalVal/Good Will/Habitat for Humanity/etc, but when that didn't work, it was time to get busy!

My handy man!

Much better!  And bigger!

So that's what we have been up to!  Just enjoying life before we have a newborn to take care of :)  But can't wait til that time comes.

Just checking in

Hi blog world,

Not too much to report today.  We have started talking to more potential adoption situations recently, but most have not yet made the decision of if they want to place at all, or raise the baby themselves. We totally respect that, and are trying to share our story, but also give them info about adoption in general. I've mentioned before how hard it is to find out real info on adoption, and apparently it can be just as hard for the expectant parents.  Hopefully we are earning some adoption karma points by helping others out! :)

Other than that, we are pumped for FOOTBALL. SEASON!!! It's not just the games, it is fall, cooler weather (thank God!), decorating the house for the season, etc. I'll have to post a pic later of the Cookies n Cream Cheese Ball Football I'm making for the game today. Yum!

Hope to return someday soon with an awesome adoption update!

Suggestion Box

With this post, I am (yet again) reaching out for help from anyone who may read this blog from time to time.  We want to leave no stone unturned in regards to getting the word out.  So if you were in our shoes, what would you do to share your story?

Some places we have tried, and continue to try, are:
-www.parentprofiles.com
-www.adoption.com (forums)
-Newsap
-Craigslist (very cautious with this, as we know the risk of scam is high)
-Other free advertising sites (Beta.com, Creativeloafing.com, etc)
-Letter sent out to over 100 obstetricians in NC
-Email sent out (yesterday) to 25 area churches so far.  Will continue to send out in waves to more churches throughout the state
-Facebook page
-Facebook updates on our own pages, so that our network sees it
-emails to family and friends
-YouTube video
-Flyers posted around NC and NY (Thanks Irons fam :) )
-Hopingtoadopt.org
-Business cards
-Posting on sites such as thebump.com, babycenter.com, pregnancy-info.com
-Working with adoption attorney

Working with an agency is out for us, for several reasons listed here. But do you have any ideas of people we could reach out to, or other places we should advertise?

Thanks as always for all of the support! :)

No news is... no news

The wait is pretty killer, and it has only been 5 or 6 weeks since we got our home study back.  Bleh!  Adoption is certainly not easy.  It takes its toll on every relationship you have... 

We are trying to think of ways to keep busy, while waiting for 'the call.'  What are some things we should try before summer ends?  I need to make a summer bucket list, so that once it is over, I don't feel like I worked the whole summer away ;)

Our 6 year anniversary is coming up in early September, it is amazing how time flies!  The Democratic National Convention will be here that first week of September, so I am hoping Matt will get some time off from work to avoid all of the craziness.  I've already been told we get the whole week off at my office!

Oh, and Matt's 29th birthday was August 2nd.  We went out to dinner that night to Red Lobster, yum!  He has great memories of going there when he was younger, with his mom.  I am glad we got to pig out and honor memories at the same time!  I got him a helmet video camera for his motorcycle helmet or mountain biking helmet.  It can also be attached to the handle bars.  He's loved taking videos of the ride around town.  He can even turn the camera around to face him as he drives, which leads to some pretty funny footage.  I'll have to see if I can upload a small video on here!

Keep praying for us, and keeping us in mind if you hear anything!

Practice

Thank you to our fur-babies for giving us practice on being up all night with an infant!

In the past 12 hours,
1) Seamus and Skylar dug into the cat litterboxes like it was Old Country Buffet (GAG)


2) Skylar horked at 3am due to upset stomach from their buffet

3) Seamus had an accident at 4:30am due to medicine he's on.

4) Cats sat on each side of us and meowed at 5:30am because they were hungry.

Oh ma God!

Acting innocent

Luckily, this is not a normal occurrence.  We normally have very chill pets.  Last night, they were just ganging up on us!

Parenting class

This past Sunday, hubster and I went to Infant CPR and Taking Care of Baby classes.

Do most first-time parents normally take classes like this?

We're not sure, but with so many question marks in the air, it felt nice to do something constructive during this process.

We did feel a bit out of place.  I was sized up by all of the pregnant mom's to be as they entered the room.  (They were all 29 to 36 weeks, so I definitely stood out.)  They were either thinking, "Lucky B, how's she still so small this far along?" or "Are they in the wrong class?"  haha

But the instructor was awesome, and went out of her way to make us feel at ease.  While there was some information about going into labor, labor partners, etc, the classes really did focus on what to do once the baby is here.  And that is what we needed!

I had taken Infant CPR in November as part of a training class for work.  But Matt never has, and he's the calm one during emergencies.  I am the one running around like a mad woman, or frozen in place.  So I NEEDED him to take the class, for peace of mind.  Phew!  Check that off the list.

The parenting portion was good too.  Back in the day, I helped out with Maddie when she was a baby.  But she is now going on 12 years old.  And Matt has never babysat, never really been alone with an infant.  So it was worth it.  Bathing, sleeping, diapering, dressing, babyproofing, etc were all covered, and then some.

The best part, for us- the nurse leading the class said that the hospital system is very adoption friendly.  That was great to hear.  Obviously, we don't know what hospital our baby will be born in, nor what state.  But hearing how the system here in town allows adoptive parents there own room while the baby is in the hospital, and is open with the birth family and the adoptive family the whole time was great to hear!

No updates on the 'matching' front.  We have not spoken to any women this week yet.  But we did just mail out the packet for Parent Profiles, and I sent out another batch of OB/GYN letters yesterday.  Just got to keep getting the word out!

As always, keep us in mind! :)

On to the next!

Just needed to nurse our wounds a bit Friday and yesterday.

I wanted to clarify the last statement in yesterday's post about being less enthusiastic. That is just in regards to the process itself. Our desire to be parents someday is stronger than ever. Why else would we continue to subject ourselves to infertility treatments, invasive home studies, and the terrible wait we've dealt with for the past 5+ years?

Someday, this will all be worth it.

Meanwhile, our next steps are a mass mailer that I am sending out soon to all obstetricians in NC with a letter about us and our adoption "business cards.". We are also signing up for another website, www.parentprofiles.com. This site is one of the more well-known sites in the adoptive world, it just is tougher to join (legal paperwork needed) and there is a monthly cost to be listed.

We are trying to steel ourselves a bit more, as the wait could be months or years, and the risks continue even after matching with an expectant mother. But how do you get to know someone without letting your guard down?

We have Infant CPR training and parenting class from 9-12 today. Excited and also a little nervous, as all of the other couples signed up are pregnant with their own child. Praying that the course really focuses on parenting, and not on the pregnancy that everyone they are all enjoying.

Hurting

After the heartache of trying to get pregnant for years, we thought we had developed a tougher shell. Certainly, we are not as carefree and happy go lucky as we used to be. But the adoption process has brought with it a new form of pain.

Monday, we got an email.

"I saw your information online. I am pregnant, and already had chosen a couple to adopt, but they are now separating instead."

So started a week of excitement, and then pain.

We chatted via email a few times Monday, and felt hope. No sense of a scam, felt very natural talking to her.

Tuesday: "I'm due in October with a baby girl." Our world stopped for a moment, then felt like Christmas in July. Could we really be parents to a girl in a few short months? Is it possible to already be dazzled by a baby girl that doesn't exist yet?

We were still trying to be cautious, but try telling that to your heart.

Somehow, things changed. She didn't respond to emails later Tuesday, but then on Wednesday said she hadn't received anything from us, and thought we were not interested. We told her that we were so interested, resent the emails, and she said she'd respond back that night. No emails though... We checked every 10 minutes.

Thursday, we suggested talking via text, since we seemed to be having email issues.

"sure, I'll text you after 6 if you like." Yes, please!

No texts. We stared at the phone all night long. As the hours passed, our shoulders slumped a bit more.

Friday, I sent "her" an email. This would be our last email to her. If she responded to it, and actually answered questions or wrote more than one line, we would try to consider this just a miscommunication. But we could not keep getting our hopes up for someone who seemed to be purposefully stringing us along. Why? No idea.

Back to square one, with a little less enthusiasm this time.

Like dating

We've discovered that talking to an expectant mother is a lot like dating.  Nerves, interpreting everything to a T, and wondering when they will call or email again!

So far, it has been mostly emails that have the hint of scam, or at least a bit of a mess.  We have been emailed by people in the country of Cameroon, China, and someone who said she was from Norway, and her boyfriend was from Sweden.  Unfortunately, even if these situations are real, they are way out of our price range probably.

Now that we have been 'advertising' for a few weeks, the emails have been more realistic, and we actually started to email with someone yesterday that could be a good match.  And that leads me to stalk my email, just in case she writes back! :)

(Before I scare any expectant mothers off, please know that I will never use your identifying information in the blog.  While our relationship with you is obviously a huge part of the story, your privacy is even more important!)

Here's to hoping we have a great first date!

Adoption benefits in the workplace

Something that we did not know much about before beginning this adoption journey was that many companies through the US offer employees not just maternity leave for adoption, but also offer adoption benefits in the form of reimbursment of fees.  This is a growing trend because less than 1% of all employees will adopt each year, but it provides the company with another great benefit to keep up with the competition.

Companies such as Bank of America, Time Warner, the NBA, Hanes, Nike, Wendy's, and others offer their employees these benefits.  Just knowing that makes me appreciate those companies more (even Time Warner, whom I hate dealing with on a customer satisfaction basis!).

As of now, our companies do not offer such benefits. The reimbursement would be amazing (ah-mazing!) when considering all of the costs involved.  But the one I am more worried about is the maternity leave.  A huge part of the maternity leave is to have time to bond with your baby.  With adoption, this time is even more important.

So I have been working on a proposal to present to my human resources department, and ultimately on to finance and our president.  Who knew adoption would turn me into a policy maker? ;)  I was able to find great information thanks to the Dave Thomas Foundation's "Adoption Friendly Workplace" materials, which has made it a lot easier.  I'll keep you posted on what happens, what they approve (or do not approve).  Wish me/us luck!

PS- Have to recognize my awesome sister-in-law and nephew and niece for their help!  They have gone around our hometown on "Operation: Baby K" posting flyers and sharing information about our adoption plans.  So cute that our baby's cousins are such a part of this. We love you guys!

Makes me smile

We went baby shopping yesterday.  For 4 hours.  Ha! Poor Matt, what a trooper.

Can I say that it is overwhelming looking at 'everything' at a baby store?  So many options!  We are lucky to have a bunch of friends who have had babies this past year, to ask for recommendations.

Our plan is to take care of the necessities for the first 6-8 weeks of time now, so that we don't have to stress when we 'match' with an expectant mother.  We could match with someone 3 months along, or with someone who is 2 days away from their due date.  And then we can worry about the fun stuff after everything clears legally, and we can go to NY to show off our baby to friends and family up there.

Had to share this picture from yesterday though.  Matt really liked a certain stroller/travel system, but I wanted to read more reviews (go figure).  We went home, read reviews, had it recommended by friends too, and decided that was the one we'd buy.  I thought we'd buy it the next time we went out shopping, but Matt wanted it RIGHT THEN.  So he went back out to get the stroller at 6pm on a Sunday. 

He was so excited to put it together for the bebe.  What a guy :)

Parenting class

I just signed Matt and I up for a parenting class offered by the local hospital on 7/22.  Infant CPR and Taking Care of Baby.  So excited!  In a way, I feel like it is similar to the excitment someone would get about going back to school after working for a while.  When you are first in college, you don't get excited about classes.  But after being in the 'real world' for awhile, you get pumped to try another round of school.  If we had gotten pregnant and done the normal thing, I don't know if we'd even think to take a parenting class.  But because we have been waiting so long to be parents, this feels like a real step, and so we are excited!  (Maybe me more so than Matt!  haha)

Other weekend goals:  Hang flyers and/or business cards on area bulletin boards... possibly shop for the nursery (!!!!!!!!!!).... and hit up a pool, it is HOT out!

Matt's sister has graciously been offering tips on what we should buy first, what we'll need in those first few weeks, what brands are good, etc.  Anyone else have suggestions?  Leave a comment below or shoot us an email!

Spoke too soon

Spoke too soon.  Just got a generic email saying that our advertisement was rejected.  What?  Why?

After sitting on hold for 5 minutes, I spoke to someone in the online advertising department that said that they don't really do adoption advertising anymore, because it can get 'messy.'   Again... what?

Legally in North Carolina, we have the right to advertise as long as we have a completed and approved home study/ preplacement assessment.  You just have to state this clearly in the advertisement, along with the home study agency and the date the study was completed.  I did this.  I was going to be paying $35 extra just to add that info (

Phone calls and emails are unanswered so far.  I want them to tell me why people can advertise for all sorts of companionship (ew), but when we want to start our family, that is considered messy.

This is bothering me more than it should.  I think I am sick of everything having to be so much tougher for people who turn to adoption to start their family. 

First classified ad

Welp, we've placed our first classified ad!

Woo hoo!  The picture was $10 extra, but we think it is worth it to stand out over all of the word-only ads.  This ad will be in our nearby newspaper, the Charlotte Observer, for the next 7 days, as well as on their website.

Now on to the outlying newspapers.  And possibly a few back home in NY!

Home study approved!

We are officially home study approved!  The home study report is in the mail now, should have our copy today or tomorrow.  Woo hoo!

One big step down.

I have started pricing out newspapers here and in NY, to see where we can get the best bang for our buck.  Our 'business cards' arrived yesterday too, and I'll be making some flyers this weekend to post on community bulletin boards.  Operation: Shock & Awe is in full force!

Just that short update for today.  Matt and I are going to spend the weekend indoors working on a cheap fix for our ugly white linoleom countertops, since it will be over 100 degrees each day.  Air conditioning?  Yes please!  Have a good weekend!

Fundraising

We have been considering our options for paying for everything, including the tax credit mentioned before, employer help (that's a no go), and possibly having a Garage Sale/Adoption fundraiser.  These are some techniques that other couples have used.  I have also seen people sell different things such as shirts, bracelets, crafts they've made, etc.  I don't know if that is 'us' though.

I just got introduced to a website called http://www.indiegogo.com/.  And I love it!  This site allows people to use the World Wide Web to reach out to people who may be interested in their cause.  The causes are widely varied: nonprofits, startup businesses, people looking for funding to make movies, other couples looking to adopt, and on and on.  One post that caught my eye was a nice elderly lady who was a bus monitor in Greece, NY.  She was being bullied by the very students that she was there to watch over, and one of the students videotaped the bullying.  Someone felt awful this happened to her, so they created a page to raise money to send her on a nice vacation (as her job did not pay enough for such splurges).  In less than 10 hours, the goal of $5000 was bypassed, and it is already over $100,000. What!!

We are not hoping for anything that extravagent.  And I am not posting it here so that anyone feels like that have to donate.  Just another documentation of what we are trying with the adoption process!  But here is the link to our page:

http://www.indiegogo.com/babykadoption?a=724475

We'll just put it out in the internet-universe, and see what happens!  Let's go viral!

EDITED TO ADD:  Just read that our fundraising page can be bumped to the site's main page by having lots of comments.  And more views equals more potential donors. So please consider leaving a comment of support!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Our gameplan

Legally, in NC, you cannot 'advertise' about your adoption plans until you have an approved home study.  Now that we are just waiting to receive the finished product, we are starting to gear up for an all-out marketing blitz.  Anyone friends with Jen on Facebook has already started to see some of the results!

Here is our ever-growing list of ideas:
-Create a blog
-Create an email account
-Sign up for a toll-free number
-Create a YouTube profile video
-Order 'business cards' to leave on bulletin boards, at dr's offices,wherever

Just ordered these business cards on Friday!

-Create a booklet to send to pregnant women who contact us
-Actual advertisements (Craigslist, newspaper, Facebook?)
-Keep finding profile sites to add our info (on www.hopingtoadopt.org and www.myadoptionprofile.com already)
-Continue sending out update emails to our entire address book
-Send email out to obstetricians, midwives, dr's offices, etc.

Besides marketing things, we also have these fun to-dos on our list:
-Take adoption 'maternity' photos similar to these:

-Start a lifebook for our baby
-Interview pediatricians (got a great recommendation on a local one!)
-Talk to adoption attorneys (we think we've picked ours already.  He's part of American Academy of Adoption Attorneys, received their highest distinction of ethical practice, he has years of experience and his costs are reasonable)
-Pick out baby stuff- only have the crib picked out so far!
-Find some adoption and parenting classes to take- we're newbies!

Busy busy busy!

Agency adoption vs. independent adoption

As our home study is being finalized this week, we are planning the next steps in this process.  I mentioned before we have decided to move forward with independent adoption (while also sitting on the waiting list of one of the few agencies we truly like).  But some have asked us what that means.  What is independent adoption?  How does it vary from agency adoption?
When you work with an agency, you pay them (big bucks) to locate birthmothers, arrange meetings, walk you through the process, etc.  Costs can include administrative fees, therapy for the birthmother, expenses for the birthmother (medical, sometimes rent, utitlities, clothing during pregnancy), therapy for the adoptive family, legal fees, etc.  But there seems to be no uniformity to how agencies charge.  Some include everything, some just include networking and administrative fees, etc etc.

The other things that we did not like about agencies included the number of other families that they are helping at the same time (how do they give each couple the best possible chance?), the reviews we have read about many agencies being money-first (terrible reviews of people not receiving good service once all the money is collected or birthmothers being harrassed to give their baby and then not receiving therapy afterward), and the general lack of control.

Note- we believe there are MANY honest, ethical, amazing agencies out there.  But it is so difficult to compare agencies apples to apples that we can't determine which ones they are. 

Why we chose independent adoption:
-More control- I know all of the 'advertising' going on because I am doing it myself.  I can account for every penny that we spend and track it.
-100% priority- Matt and I are at the top of the list, because it is just us on the list!
-Amazing support network- We know we have the support of family and friends
-Cost concerns- We have done research and realized that the cost of independent adoption can be overblown by the industry, specifically because the agencies WANT you to sign with them. Their businesses are dependent on more and more couples signing up.  So of course they want you to think that independent adoption is more expensive.
-Independent adoptions make up at least 2/3 of all adoptions nationwide
-Lower risk of a birthmother changing her mind.  In agency adoptions, 50-80% of pregnant women do not wind up releasing the baby for adoption, while about 75-90% of pregnant women using private channels do.  Holy cow!!
-The pregnant woman can feel a lot more in control of who she gives her baby to in independent adoption.

I would say that the main concern with independent adoption is that there is less privacy.  But we don't plan to give out our home address or work locations.  Everything will be legally handled through an adoption attorney (we have already spoken to one here in town that is highly recommended by the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys).  And most agencies at this point require or strongly suggest open adoptions anyway, for the sake of the child.

We hope that that clears up some of the questions/concerns that family and friends may have.

need to finda fun shirt like this!

YouTube profile video

In- home visit was today, and went great!  We spent days making sure every nook and cranny was sparkling, and then she was here for 30 minutes! Ha!  But our social worker basically told us we are approved, she just had to type up the report and get it to us for any random errors.  Then it will be official!!

To celebrate, I spent parts of the weekend working on an adoption profile to put on YoutTube.  You never know where someone will find you!

Here is a link to our profile:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tnv9gGxToYk#  Let us know what you think!

That is all for tonight!  Feel free to ask any questions you might have about us, or adoption in general in the questions.  Obviously our main goals are to use this blog to match up with a birthmother and to document the journey for our baby/babies, but we also would like to help educate people about adoption too!

Another visit with the fam

Matt and I got to travel up to NY for the Memorial Day weekend to spend the holiday with family and friends.  Love it!  It is so worth the 10-hour drive to see everyone!
  

Found in a gas station at 6:30am





On Saturday, we had a nice cookout with Matt's family.  Then after that, Matt, his dad, and his nephew Jacob formed a biker gang, and went out for a ride.  Matt's been talking about wanting to do this for months now, and they had a blast!



The 'gang'



On Sunday, we got to go to the first birthday of our best friends' daughter Lily.  I can't believe it has been a year already!  We got to see old friends, their family members, and of course the woman of the hour, little Lily.

Friends for years!



Matt is in love



Me and the birthday girl

Then Sunday and Monday, it was more BBQing.  Chicken spiedies, salt potatoes, burgers, hot dogs, delish!  We love summer!  Can't wait for many more months of beautiful weather.



Epic water gun battle between Matt and Jacob

 

Adoption Tax Credit

Something that has been a Godsend to families who are trying to adopt is the Adoption Tax Credit.  Here is some quick info on the tax credit in my words.  For even more details, you can visit http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/about/.

Before:  In years past, the adoption tax credit had been up to $13,000 or so, but was nonrefundable.  I know $13,000 sounds like a lot, but keep in mind that $20,000, $30,000, and $40,000 or more are not unusual expenses for an adoption.  And by non-refundable, this meant that if you had a low tax liability (such as us), then you won't see any relief from the credit.  You wouldn't get a check for $13,000- that would just go against any money you owe the government.

2010 and 2011:  These were apparently THE YEARS to adopt.  The adoption credit was made refundable, meaning if you didn't owe the government taxes, you could potentially get a check for up to $13,000 or so.  They screen the tax returns quite intensely to make sure people are not cheating the system, but this would have been amazing to not go broke during the adoption.

2012: Anyone finalizing an adoption this year gets a credit of up to $12,160, but it is nonrefundable again.  Matt and I generally do not owe taxes, so the credit is basically a wash again.

After 2012:  Curernt tax credit sunsets, and there will be only a $6,000 nonrefundable credit for special needs adoption, no real credit for any other adoptions.

The good news:  The House of Representatives is currently considering the Making Adoption Affordable Act, which would make the tax credit permanent and refundable, thereby helping families and children across the country.  Selfishly, we'd love it if you would contact your representative in support of the act.  Find your representative here: http://www.house.gov/representatives/find/  And not just for us- for the many children across the county who also need a forever home.

Please help!

June 12th is Save the Adoption Tax Credit Advocacy Day.  That would be a great day to reach out to your reps, "like" "Save the Adoption Tax Credit" on Facebook, or just share your support of adoption credits on Facebook and other social media sites.

Thanks everyone!

My promise to our baby's birth mother

I saw an article on CNN.com today that made me angry and sad and frustrated all at once.  A woman in Colorado was busted by a police officer for having her toddler buckled into a regular seat, while her gas can was safely secured in the carseat.  Are you kidding me?  Nope, here is the picture that accompanied the story:



No caption needed for this one...

 Someone like this gets to be a mother?  Anyone who has been through any kind of fertility struggle will feel my sense of injustice on this one.  I'd give all of the possessions I have in this life to be able to have a baby, and yet some of these people and the things they do to their kids....  I'm going to step away from that train of thought now, because it will be a very long post!

Instead, I want to talk directly to the woman who may one day give us her child, and make a promise, on my life:

You will never see me or my family in a horrible news story like this.  You will never have to worry about what goes on behind closed doors either.  We will treat your/our child as the precious gift we know they are.  We want them to experience life, laugh often, love their family, work hard, enjoy learning new things always, give to others, and develop their faith.  We will value their lives and well-being above our own.  And we will cherish every second of it!

Still here!

I've been (lovingly) chided by several people about not updating the blog, and after signing in, I couldn't believe it'd been a month!  Whoops!  At this time, no news is just... no news.

But exciting things ahead!  June 11 (one week from today) is our dreaded/exciting/can't-wait-til-it-gets-here In-home interview.  Our social worker will make sure that our home is suitable for a baby, and collect any last paperwork we have for her.  And then... we should get our completed home study!  Finally!

Truth be told, the slowdown was on our part, as described in the past few posts.  Our social worker is awesome, and will probably get the report back to us pretty quickly.  Can't wait to have it in our hands.

Our plan once we have it is still to just navigate things on our own a bit.  We can legally 'advertise' ourselves, and I plan to create a business card for us that can be left anywhere and everywhere.  Here is an example, since 'business card' sounds weird in conjunction with adoption:

Front

Back

Before I can do that, I just need to set up an email address specific to the adoption, as well as arrange for a Toll-free phone number, as we don't want to give out our cell phone numbers so freely.  Then friends and family in North Carolina have said they will help us pass them out.  I may send some up to NY too.  The main reason for those two states is because when you cross state lines to adopt, you have to stay in the baby's birth state while a special document is approved between the two states.  This could last a few days or up to a month, depending on the state.  NC would be most ideal, but NY would work too, since we have such a big family that would love more time with our baby!  Any other state, and we are looking at hotels and being by ourselves.  But if that is the best fit, so be it!

And we just want to thank everyone again for all of the support with this.  Every time we get a bit down about the whole thing, someone randomly sends a comment of support, or shares information about someone else they know going through it, or just listens to me/us vent.  THANK YOU!!  It is great to know just how much our baby will be loved by family and friends.

-Jen & Matt

Fortune Cookie and Guardian Angel

Matt and I got Chinese food last night, and my fortune cookie said, "It is time to take something important off the back burner."   I knew immediately what this implied.

We'd made a concerted effort over the past 2 weeks to take a break from the adoption process, while I went through a very busy time at work.  I had just described it to one of my relatives as deciding to put it on the 'back burner' for awhile until other parts of life calmed down.  Then that fortune cookie.  Ok then, I'll take that as a sign.

The other sign is more sad, but yet powerful.  My dear 'Uncle' Tony, an amazing friend of my extended family, passed away unexpectedly last week.  We'll all miss his huge smile and eyes that lit up with a smile of their own.  I was able to head home for the wake and funeral, and had a wonderful visit with the family (athough I certainly wish it was under better circumstances).  I had forgotten, but Uncle Tony and Aunt Anne had adopted their daughter Cathy when she was a baby.  Aunt Anne and Cathy were so excited to hear about Matt and I looking to adopt, and can't wait to hear details as they come.  And now Matt and I have an adoption guardian angel in Heaven.  I hope Uncle Tony is putting in a good word for us! 

A toast to Tony!

Rest in peace, Tony.  And if Aunt Anne happens to read this, we love you so much!

Second interview

So, it probably showed in the last post, but picking an agency has left me stressed. Very stressed.  I don't want to hold up the process at all, because I want to be a mom, like, yesterday.  But I also felt a ton of pressure to pick the perfect agency.  So I have been freaking.

That looks about right!

Matt is the best.  He is the one that brings me back down, calms me, reassures me.  We just were talking last night that I need to remember that this process is going to involve a lot of waiting, and patience is key.  But with our second interview with the social worker today, I had this expectation that we should have our agency picked by now.

Let me backtrack a moment to yesterday.  As I mentioned in my last post, we were hoping for a sign that we were on the right track, and we thought we'd found it.  Matt's coworker who'd adopted years ago had adopted from a specific agency here in NC, and I talked with another woman yesterday who suggested the same agency.  And when I played phone tag with the agency, they mentioned in a voicemail that they were looking for a couple in their 20s or early 30s, no kids yet, own a home, open to meeting the birth mother, etc.  That fit us to a T!

Yesterday afternoon, I finally was able to connect with the woman, and it sounds like the agency could still be a good fit, but several things are giving us pause.

1)  They have to do their own home study.  The $1500 we spent on our current home study would mean nothing.  Ouch.  (We are hearing this from most local agencies now.  But if we go with an out-of-state agency, they can use ours.)

2) They are starting a wait list now, and it may be at least 2-3 months before they open up for new families to join.  At that time, we could start the home study, which would be another 2-3 months or more.  Then we'd be able to have our information shared with potential birth mothers.

A potential 5-6 month wait or more, just to get to the point that we are already at now?  Ugh.  You can see why stress has been winning. 

But today, we met with our social worker again.  We told her our situation, and she was able to bring me back down too.  (Matt was sitting there like, "I just said that last night!"  But of course we don't totally listen when it is our spouses! ;)  )

We are going to push the in-home visit back a bit to mid- to late-May.  That way, we have time to collect some final paperwork that is missing, and don't feel so rushed to pick an adoption agency.  We may still pick the agency mentioned above, because it has gotten good reviews, price is much better since it is a non-profit, and it is local.  Or, if we find a different agency in the meantime, we can find out any specific requirements they may have for a home study, so that our social worker can make sure to include it.  I no longer feel that I have to pick an agency THIS MINUTE.

As far as the rest of the interview, it was mostly just clarifying info from last time, and some small questions that were left over.  She gave us some books to read on parenting adopted children specifically, and also mentioned that we should look into general parenting books too. 

Checklist of to-dos for in-home interview:
-Jen physical (4/23)
-Criminal checks
-Matt's NY clearance
-collecting references
-pick agency
-clean home!

Decisions, decisions

Picking an agency is turning out to be pretty tough!  We have to consider domestic vs. international, nationwide vs. local/regional, what type of adoption (open, semi-open, closed), race, age, sex, cost, post-placement services, etc etc etc.

And there are not many 'real life' people we can ask.  We are doing lots of research online, but it is tough not to have opinions from those we trust.  It seems to be as much about going with our gut as it is about the research.

We are trying to schedule introductory meetings with a few agencies in the Charlotte area, to see if we feel a sign that we've found THE ONE.  But the clock is also ticking on our home study.  

Ah, decisions.  It's all about the end result!  One day, this will be forgotten, much like I imagine the pain of labor fades away.

Please pray that we make the right decision for us and our future baby!

Family visit

Sorry for the delay in posts.  My job has been crazy the last week or so.  There will be another week and a half of craziness, and then it slows down for the summer.  Phew!
So back to the family visit Easter weekend.  It was much needed!  We had a great time visiting, and crammed a lot of fun into just a few days.

Thursday and Friday, we had a great visit with my sister Katie, who is close in age to us.  She came down a few days earlier than my parents and our younger sister, and we were able to go out in Charlotte, check out a game at the arena, and eat lots of takeout.  Fun times whenever Katie comes around- she is so fun, and brings us out of our shells big time.  And the older we get, the more I realize we have in common.  Even our mannerisms are the same.

Exhibit A: Reaction to scary movies

Kate and I grew up together as friends and enemies (you know how girls can be!), but now she is a great friend, and we love when she visits. I can't wait for our kids to experience that wonderful sibling bond. 

Easter Sunday with both sisters

Early Saturday morning, my parents and youngest sister Maddie arrived.  We BBQ'd on Saturday, Sunday was Easter (with a delicious big meal at my aunt and uncle's house, yum!), and then Kate had to head back home.

Later Monday, my parents, Maddie (my youngest sister), our cousin Olivia and I went to Tiger World.  If you live in the Charlotte/Concord area, you MUST go to Tiger World!

Fun with the girls.. and a tiger!

We also took the girls to Concord Mills, an outlet mall nearby.  Taking pre-teens to the mall... very tiring!  We had fun hitting up all of the activities around the mall, such as the hurricane simulator:

I just more and more look forward to doing all the fun silly things with our kids one day...

Tuesday was the last day of the visit.  We went to lunch with my aunt, and then we hit up cousin Donny's tennis match, and cousin Olivia's softball game.  It was good old-fashioned fun.

Go Olivia go!

It is always tough to see them go.  Very tough!  But we talk almost daily, and skype from time to time, and try to visit in person as often as possible.  Can't wait to see them and Matt's side of the family when we go home to NY next! 

Recap of the first interview

So Matt and I met with our social worker yesterday for close to two hours.  And it was a great meeting, we like our social worker alot, she was very informative, and she blew our minds with more things to think about and research.  Ha! 

It actually was not nearly as bad as we thought.  I guess we didn't really know what to think.  She asked us basics (height, weight, hair color, eye color), family background, career path, parenting philosophies, and what type of child we wanted to adopt.  Matt and I each got to have an ego boost, as we went into why we fell for the other person, what our marriage is like, how we'd describe ourselves, etc.  And we were very happy when early on in the interview, the social worker said that we definitely were in an attractive group to birth mothers: young, stable, married, active, etc.  We certainly hope that helps us stand out from the many deserving couples trying to adopt.

Our next interview is back at their office, and will take place on April 20th.  Then the in-home visit, which I am actually feeling pretty optimistic about (today at least, remind me of that when I am scrubbing down the house at 3am the day of the visit!).

Some to-do's for us:
1)  Jen's physical and physician approval of adoption (4/23)
2)  Criminal background check
3)  Call NY to see why they forgot some of the requested details for child abuse clearance
4)  Start talking to local friends for references of pediatricians and day care facilities (already??!  Yikes!)
5)  Find our adoption agency of choice.  If we pick an adoption agency after the home study is done, and they request different things in the home study than our social worker normally does, it would be a couple hundred dollars to update.  Not something we want to happen.
6)  View webinars and read books that social is recommending about adoption.

Phew!

Matt and I were left with two thoughts:  The waiting is going to kill us.  And yet we also kind of feel like we could be one of the situations where you get a call one day, "Come pick up your child tomorrow!"  Crazy.

First interview is today!

So at 11am, we meet with the social worker for the first time, at their office.  We have a ninety minute interview going over who knows what!

Ahhhh!!  Nervous and excited, finally doing something productive!

I'll try to post tonight or tomorrow with how it goes.

And we just had a GREAT visit with my parents and sisters in town for Easter.  I love being with my family... good times!  I'll probably post about that too, since they are excited as we are about the adoption.

Here is a quick pic until then:


Sisters!  Easter Sunday before church

 Wish us luck today!

Cribs and other fun things

Matt and I have been crib shopping.  While we don't know any details yet about our future baby, we both know that we want a baby.  We want to be there for all of the wonderful firsts in our child's life.  And so we figured it is safe to start looking at furniture for a nursery, versus for a toddler or child.

Here is where we have kind of hit a snag though.  When should we buy things?

We (of course) want to start buying things already, setting up the nursery, getting ready to go.  But my mom made the good point that if this process takes awhile, it could be upsetting to see the nursery sitting there waiting, empty.  But what if we hold off, and get a call one day saying, "Come pick up your baby tomorrow!" ??  We'll be in a panicked rush to set up a nursery.

Finally, we decided to go forward, but slowly.  We can take our time a bit, picking out pieces we like.  And we can buy them piece by piece, avoiding a frenzied rush at the end.  To start with, here is the crib we picked out!


Graco Charleston Crib

 The crib is very well-made, reasonably priced, and got great reviews online.  We have a 20% off coupon just burning a hole in our pockets to buy it this weekend at Baby Depot.  So excited!  It has a matching changing table too, but we didn't like that one.  The model in the store was very flimsy compared to the sturdiness of the crib.  But with white, we should have an easy time matching.  Our nursery is a light blue color, with white curtains, so the white crib will really pop.  We can't wait to set it up!

Next up to start thinking about is the other furniture to go in the room.  If anyone has any recommendations for what should go in a baby's room (what do you really use, vs what just is there for looks, for example), please let us know!  And what sort of baby 'gear' should we start looking at?  If we are able to have a baby shower, it will probably be after our placement, so that everyone can meet the little one at the same time.  So we are going to try to be ready for at least the first 6 weeks on our own.  Advice is very welcome! :)

Progressing along

So we still have 8 days until the first meeting, but we have been pretty busy working on our checklist of forms for the home study agency.

So far:

-Financials and tax information- Pay stubs and 1040 printed, financial worksheet complete
-Medical Exams- Matt went in for his yesterday and passed with flying colors; Jen still has to go
-Criminal Check- Basic one for now, so I'm going to the clerk of court this week to print for free
-Child Abuse Clearance- NC done; NY is in process (go figure, NY is slow!)
-Birth certificates and marriage certificate- copies ready
-Three letters of reference from non-family members, notarized- Several darling friends are working on these now, THANK YOU!!

I also met with my HR manager yesterday to find out about any adoption benefits my company has, and they answer was- they don't have any.  But luckily, that is just because it has never come up.  As of now, all they could offer me is up to 12 weeks (unpaid) leave via FMLA, and then the usual health insurance, dental, FSA for childcare that a pregnant woman would have access to for their child.

So now I am going to do research (as is my helpful HR manager) to see what other companies in our field and in our city offer their employees.  I will put together a proposal, and then the executives of the company will approve (or not).  Whatever we put together will be the benefit for adoptive parents in the future here at my company.  On one hand, that is kind of cool, but I'm not gonna lie- the whole 'stigma' about adoption is getting a bit old.

Another example: When Matt and I went shopping last week, we went to a bookstore in hopes of finding a book about adoption.  In the big section of baby books, there was the usual (What to Expect When You're Expecting, What to Expect in the First Year, etc), along with more specific books about parenting twins, parenting a child with ______ disease, parenting a child while going through a divorce, etc etc... but nothing on adoption.  Not one book? 



Calling all adoption books!

 I think I may have found a calling, or a cause.  No wonder adopted kids can feel different from everyone else.  There is this shroud of secrecy over everything!  I want to do my part to help change that.  I guess this blog is a small way to start that, by sharing details about the adoption process.  <End rant.>

So yes, 8 days until our first meeting with the social worker.  And that would be really hard to wait for, except we have some visitors coming to town!  My sister Katie will be getting in on Thursday, and my parents and youngest sister Maddie will be arriving Saturday, for a mini-vacation here in the South.  Weather should be great, we've got some time off of work, and we are excited to show them the crib we have picked out for Baby K!


The whole famjam, Christmas 2010



The Fur-Babies

So we have actually been through adoption 4 times already.  But it is a little bit different when it is an animal you're adopting, not a baby!

Now presenting, the brothers and sister of our future (human) child!

Chance.  The one and only.  Twenty pounds of cool.  Rescued by my sister's friend when he was a kitten, so underfed that he walked funny.  He is no longer underfed.  (Understatement of the year!)

Cat napping.  Get it?

Rocky.  Also known as the Gray Blur.  He is the sweetest cat, and loves attention, but only from Matt and I.  Most people only see him darting up the stairs to hide, hence his nickname.  He is obsessed with water and would love to own a fountain.

Rocky

Seamus.  Guard dog and too smart for his own good sometimes.  He's a simple dog, just needs a stick or a ball to have a good time.

Who, me?

Skylar.  Gentle girl.  She is the epitome of a golden retriever: loyal, sweet, well-mannered.  She loves to be with her humans..  She had a litter of puppies before we got her, and definitely has the motherly characteristics (just ask our cats).  Poor girl was 30 lbs underweight and had heartworms when we got her, but now, she's perfect!

It's tough being a dog.

 Our pets have taught us so much, including needing to find babysitters (for the dogs at least).  We've certainly learned patience, responsibility, and they joy from the unwavering love they give.  We're big animal people, although we don't plan to add to that brood any time soon!

"You're supposed to dress up kids for Halloween, not dogs!"

At a parade, doing great with the crowds and loud noises